My life as a queer individual has been incredibly privileged. I was able to come out to my friends and family when I was in the 7th grade, around 13 years old, and no one had any real issues with it. My mother even gave a sigh of relief, because she assumed this meant that I had less of a chance of getting pregnant. (A short-lived respite, as I immediately reminded her that I was interested in everyone, regardless of gender.)
The only person I actively hid this part of myself from was my paternal grandmother, who, while incredibly loving, had already proven herself to be homophobic. (Someone I’m sure I’ll talk about in greater detail another time.)
I have never been comfortable hiding my queer & queer-adjacent identities. I first very proudly proclaimed that I was bisexual, then in high school switched to pansexual, and shortly after that discovered that I was non-binary. I have also been loudly practicing polyamory since college, a relationship style that, while not inherently queer, definitely asks you to unpack your internalized cisgender, heterosexual, and patriarchal-normative views in a similar way.
All this to say, I haven’t spent a ton of time in the closet. In rare situations when I must be in the closet, anxiety shoots through me, I get nauseous & dizzy, and I can’t help but brainstorm a million ways to be away from the situation as soon as possible.
I’m willing to admit that this may be something I need to work on. I generally try to look at my own discomfort as a teacher, but I am just not interested in hiding parts of my indentity for other people.
Maybe that's why, when someone asked me if I had ever considered writing under a pen name earlier this week, I had a very strong (albeit internal) reaction.
Outwardly I paused thoughtfully and said, “No. I’ve never considered that,” but in my head I was saying, “no no no no no no no no” over and over again.
Which isn’t to say that there aren’t good reasons to write under a pseudonym! Anonymity can be a powerful place to speak from, and it can free someone up to say what they need to say without fear of repercussions. However, my writing often thematically centers identity, and everything I put into the world is informed by how I experience it. It would feel inauthentic for me to write about my life while simultaneously keeping myself hidden.
It would feel like another closet.
So, while it may be uncomfortable sometimes, for myself and for the people in my life, I don’t think I’ll ever use a pen name.
And honestly, I’m trying to decide whether or not that's selfish. I’m writing about my life, but other people are a part of it. The people I love aren’t just side characters or villians, and I don’t want anyone to view them that way, but I also can’t control what other people think when they read my work.
I hope that everyone who reads my work knows that the people in my poems are so much more than the lines I wrote about them. I hope the people I write about know that too.
I like this perspective on pseudonyms. And it’s so awesome that you know yourself well enough to so quickly articulate why it wouldn’t be great for you!
Also, +1 for unpacking internalized cisgender, heterosexual, and patriarchal-normative views. 🙌